The Most Humbling Experience

I talked to somebody -a single mother/widow- yesterday (on Friday). She is also in the same boat, so to say. Come to think of it, she has it harder than me. I did ask her, doesn’t she ever think of sharing her ‘burdens’ with someone? Juggling a career, kids and thesis all in a day’s work must be very demanding to a person. She said, “How could I? I’ve lost my best friend!” And when we talked about how little time she had for concentrating on her thesis since most nights are taken with supervising the kids’ homework, she did grumble about that but eventually said, “Somehow, they’re all that I’ve got!”

Back track a moment. Sometime during the week (I was really in a bad form –hung head in shame), I tinkered with the idea of hopping into the counseling office. Only the thought of no graduate student is ever that desperate stop me from actually committing myself from such a foolhardy act. Not that I’m shy to admit that I need help. Nor do I want to be the one to break the record (if it does exist).

This was what happen to me, how I felt and acted like a moron during the week – I’d chosen to be a social recluse – not talking to everyone at home or in the office, procrastinated & lied to my advisor by giving all sort of excuses (short of having a migraine which I can honestly say never had any), withdrawn completely. And what do I get? NOTHING. No progress was being made at all. Staring into space can now be defined as the new pastime. Stressed and strained were my best buddies. Even my sleeps were full of weird dreams. Why am I not working diligently as I’m supposed to? Honestly, I felt so exhausted and overwhelmed that I simply couldn’t take another step in whichever direction. I simply couldn’t deal with the daunting task before me – to complete the dissertation –even by a single, simple step.

I’ve tried anything & almost everything to motivate myself back to top form. Positive thinking. Praying. Forcing myself. Mental torture. Prioritizing.

You know what she said that touch a straight cord into my mind? Quoted from another faculty member (Jo somebody), “…the most humbling experience.” We are talking about the stage of endurance, persistence and perseverance! When and if you ever get to the end, you’ll be the most humble person as only you know yourself how at the blackest moment of your life, you feel so stupid-brainless (can I borrow somebody’s brain out there?)-why-am-i-doing-this-again and don’t-know-exactly-what-you’re-doing-anymore – somehow you’ll pull this through insyaAllah & see the light at the end of the tunnel (so cliché but if you’re feeling what I’m feeling right now, you’ll understand- grasp at anything simply to ‘breathe’ again!)

I shouldn’t question– why this is so hard for me when others had it easy. Allah is testing me. Life is a series of hurdles. If I manage to reach the end line, remind me again of my most humbling experience...